maybe today

I’m not big on bike gear.  I’m not big on gear in general. Winter gear, coats, gloves, face cover. Or photography gear, tripods, lenses, flashes. All that is so cumbersome! That’s why I like the beach. Just me, barefoot and stuff, and the water.
So on a day to day basis I can’t stand carrying too much shit around, especially a change of clothes.  I don’t wear bike shorts and running shoes, and I don’t wear a helmet which has come up in debates many times.
So, I’m wearing my winter boots today. It’s a bit early but they’re new and cute and I wanted to give them a head start, see how they feel. They feel big. Makes me extra cautious, and a little paranoid.
Makes me think maybe today is the day for a mishap.  My foot will slip off the pedal when I stand up to push up a hill, or I’ll lose my balance going too slow on the sidewalk and fall onto a pedestrian, or get doored, or clipped from behind by a driver passing too close, forget to shoulder check before going around a pothole, choke on a song from my iPod, get into a fistfight with an arrogant driver, pedestrian, fellow cyclist, get my sleeve caught on the handle bar while reaching up to scratch my nose and accidentally veer into the path of a Mack Truck, get my miniskirt caught under my seat and fall over on the dismount. Or maybe today my front tire will suddenly come loose while I’m speeding down a hill.
These days are not about the shoes of course, or maybe the change in footware triggers a general anxiety, and that does make it harder to set out, to be honest. I get hyper aware of how vulnerable I am in the midst of people protected by metal frames, and that can be just as dangerous as not paying attention at all. I see things that aren’t there, red lights that aren’t mine, too many situations that could occur. I spend precious moments thanking the universe I wasn’t killed just now, moments that could be spent trying not to get killed.

And then it happened. I stopped on the Bloor viaduct on the way to a friend’s house for dinner and chats, to take some notes in the evening autumn sunshine. Getting back on my bike and about to merge into busy 6 pm bike lane traffic, my foot settled on the pedal at a weird angle and my right heel hit the chain guard on the way up and bent it into the way of the crank. I coasted back to the curb, got off and kicked the rusty chain guard back into place with my new winter boot.
Honestly, on an ordinary day, I think I ride slowly and comfortably enough to get along with regular clothing, but I contemplated again the proper shoes, and the skin tight jerseys. Yup, they serve a purpose.